Part Uno
Me: (Singing a song to Denise that she didn’t know.)
Denise: Don’t give up your day job, Dave. Hey–I wanted to tell you something. What was it? I can’t remember, but it was important.
Me: Well, apparently not as important as picking on your husband and telling him not to quit his day job.
Denise: Ha-ha, Mr. Funny Man.
Part Deux
Me: Drew, you were answering some tough questions at music class today–good job!
Alyssa: But Daddy, he never answers questions.
Me: He did today.
Alyssa: Yeah, but he only answers questions if the parents are around.
Me: Well, Miss Tattletale, I saw him answering questions, so I’m giving him a little praise.
Alyssa: No way, Daddy! He didn’t pray at all! Even once!
Part Tres
Me: (Trying to settle Alyssa down at the dinner table–I make the clap, clap, clap-clap-clap sound her kindergarten teacher uses to bring the kids to attention)
Alyssa: (Looks at me and laughs, but doesn’t respond at all)
Me: Alyssa, you know that sound, right?
Alyssa: Sure I do, Daddy.
Me: So what do you do when I clap like that?
Alyssa: Nothing, Daddy.
Me: Why not?
Alyssa: Because you’re not my kindergarten teacher, that’s why.
Part Quatro
Drew: I want that, Daddy! And the other one too–and the Transformers toy and (ad infinitum, ad nauseum)
Me: You know the family rule, Drew–“You can’t have everything in the world you want–where would you put it all?”
Drew: Um–I could make room in my closet.